Sands Antigua & Barbuda
Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society
Registered Charity No. C51/08
Helpline 722 0612
Confidential Advice, Support and Information
P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612
info
The Next Pregnancy
How Soon to Try?
As bereaved parents you may find that all sorts of people - doctors, midwives, nurses, relatives and friends - give different advice. Some may suggest that you try for another baby straight away, others think that it's better to wait a while.
You may feel that all this conflicting advice just adds to your own confusion. Obviously, in the end the decision when to try again is up to both of you to make together.
There are some important points to consider however:
1) In certain circumstances it is important to take heed of the advice of your doctor or midwife ie if the mother was ill during the last pregnancy, if she is now under the care of a doctor for some reason, or if the baby was delivered by Caesarian section.
You may feel that all this conflicting advice just adds to your own confusion. Obviously, in the end the decision when to try again is up to both of you to make together.
There are some important points to consider however:
1) In certain circumstances it is important to take heed of the advice of your doctor or midwife ie if the mother was ill during the last pregnancy, if she is now under the care of a doctor for some reason, or if the baby was delivered by Caesarian section.
2) If your baby died of a genetic disorder, or a condition that may occur again in future pregnancies - you will need extra advice and help.
3) It is sensible for the mother to have at least one period before coming pregnant. This shows that her body has returned to normal again, and also helps to establish when the net baby is due, once conceived.
4) Experience seems to indicate that women who become pregnant very quickly after a previous pregnancy are more likely to miscarry.
3) It is sensible for the mother to have at least one period before coming pregnant. This shows that her body has returned to normal again, and also helps to establish when the net baby is due, once conceived.
4) Experience seems to indicate that women who become pregnant very quickly after a previous pregnancy are more likely to miscarry.
5) Some people think that parents recover emotionally more quickly from the loss of a baby if they allow themselves some time to think about the dead baby - to say goodbye - before committing themselves to another pregnancy. Six months to a year is a common suggestion.
6) It can be particualrly distressing if your new baby is due in the same month of the year as when the previous baby was lost. It may be helpful to think about the timing of another pregnancy.
For these and many more reasons, it is important to discuss contraception while they decide what to do.
Parents who lose their first baby often have a second one fairly quickly. Those who already have one or more children are more likely to wait a while. However, each couple is different and you must make up your own mind, in your own time, allowing for your individual circumstances.
Remember that you may not become pregnant straight away. You may have conceived quickly last time, or it may have taken a while, but the patterns could be different this time. No two pregnancies are the same, however if you have been trying for six months with no success, it may be worth asking your doctor for advice.
Being Pregnant
The next pregnancy is usually a very worrying time as well as very exciting, and the father in particular, may feel very helpless. Sands contacts can be most helpful now. You will be able to draw on the experience of other parents who have gone through a subsequent pregnancy. They will know how you feel and will be able to also offer practical help as well.
1) Take someone with you when you go to your first antenatal check up for moral support, particularly if the father is unable to attend. You might like to ask a friend, family member or a Sands member to come with you.
2) Revisiting the hospital can be distressing, which is another good reason for not going to an appointment alone. If you feel apprehensive telephone the Sister in charge and explain how you are feeling. She will then be able to look out for you when you go to your appointment.
3) Write down all the things you want to ask before you go to the hospital or clinic. Take your time in making this list and take it with you so that you don't come away from the clinic thinking 'Oh, if only we'd remembered to ask about that......."
4) Do tell people your fears and anxieties. If you put a brave face on your worries, nobody will realise that you need help. Some parents feel that asking for reassurance is "being a nuisance" and takes up too much time. It is not. That is what we are here for, so tell us how you are feeling.
5) As your baby's arrival comes closer you may wish to discuss what might happen during delivery so that you feel you know what to expect. Again, ask at your appointment, or get someone to ask for you.
The more prepared you are, the less anxious you will both be - but this is a very worrying time for parents who have lost a baby. Some fathers find it even more distressing to return to the same hospital and stand by again while their partner has a baby - almost as if history is repeating itself.
A NEW BABY
Most mothers and fathers have all sorts of conflicting feelings after a new baby is born anyway.
If you have lost a baby previously, these feelings can be even more complicated.
You may feel very happy that your new baby is here, but sad too, as memories of your other baby return to you.
You may feel guilty because you love your new baby so much, and feel that you are being disloyal to the one that died. Everyone feels this way, some for a few seconds, others for much longer. It is a natural and normal feeling, and it will go away as you begin to realise that your love for the previous baby has not decreased - you have a place in your heart for each baby.
Some people find that it takes a little time to adjust to their new baby. If you don't "love" him or her straight away, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, just that you need time to take it all in. Again, everyone is different, and you will find that you come to love your baby in your own way, in your own time.
If you have lost a baby previously, these feelings can be even more complicated.
You may feel very happy that your new baby is here, but sad too, as memories of your other baby return to you.
You may feel guilty because you love your new baby so much, and feel that you are being disloyal to the one that died. Everyone feels this way, some for a few seconds, others for much longer. It is a natural and normal feeling, and it will go away as you begin to realise that your love for the previous baby has not decreased - you have a place in your heart for each baby.
Some people find that it takes a little time to adjust to their new baby. If you don't "love" him or her straight away, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, just that you need time to take it all in. Again, everyone is different, and you will find that you come to love your baby in your own way, in your own time.
AFTERWARDS
In the early weeks and months you may find that you are anxious about your baby's well-being and need lots of advice and reassurance, Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. Your doctor and midwife are there to help you, so don't struggle on alone if you are worried, no matter how small the problem seems to be. Most people understand that your experience of losing a baby naturally makes you anxious about the one you now have.
P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612
info
