Sands Antigua & Barbuda

 DEATH HAS NO PLACE AT BIRTH

When a baby dies either before birth (stillbirth) or shortly after (a neonatal death), everyone will be stunned by the event. The parents return home from hospital with empty arms, facing the pain and stress of bereavement.

You may not have known the baby but to the parents their child was a real person, one they have come to know and love during the months of pregnancy. Although you cannot see a gap in the family there is a real loss.

"We are a family", said one mother, "that will never be complete".

The sense of bereavement is as strong as with the death of an adult or older child, and more unexpected because death has no place at birth. 

THE PARENTS' FEELINGS

Both parents will have a mixture of feelings which are a normal response to loss. These may include:

SHOCK - because they expected birth and life but instead got death. 

DISBELIEF - they may not be able to accept what has happened.

GUILT - either parent may feel that their baby died because of something they did, or did not do - especially if no medical cause is found. 

ISOLATION -  because no one seems to understand their situation.

JEALOUSY & BITTERNESS - because everyone else seems to be pregnant or wheeling a pram.

ANGER - against their partner, the doctor, the hospital staff or God.

HOW YOU CAN HELP 

DO get in touch - DON'T assume that they would rather be alone.

DON'T avoid the parents - DON'T avoid the situation.

You can get in touch by letter or phone to show your concern. Parents often keep sympathy cards with other reminders of their baby such as footprints and photographs.

If you are pregnant yourself, or have a small baby, you may feel that bereaved parents would rather you didn't visit. Ring up and ask. They may not be ready to face you or your child, or they might be glad to see live healthy babies and be hurt if you keep your child from them.

Visit in person and let yourself be guided about what to do. Give both parents a chance to talk about their experience. They will usually not need much encouragement and it does really help them.

Find out if the baby has a name and use it. It makes the baby seem more of a real person. If the parents have not given the baby a name, encourage them to do so.

Ask if they have a photograph of their baby. Don't be afraid to look at it - most of these babies look perfectly normal. If they have no photograph, suggest that they may like to take one before the baby is buried.

Don't be embarrassed or feel guilty if they cry. You did not cause the tears, they were waiting to be shed. Don't be afraid to cry yourself, you are showing that you care.

Remember that both the mother and the father have lost a child. Encourage others to get in touch  - and stay in touch yourself. 

WHAT TO SAY

Don't worry too much about saying the "right" thing. One bereaved mother said;

"I found it easier to accept and forgive those who blundered than those who seemed not to care."

DO say that you are sorry.

DO be willing to talk about the baby.

DO remember that bereaved parents can be very sensitive to what you might say.

DO be willing to sit and listen.

DON'T say "you are lucky you have other children" or "you can soon have another baby" as this can be very hurtful. The parents are grieving for the baby that has died. Other children will not be a replacement.

DON'T try to blame anyone for the baby's death - even if the parents do.

DON'T say "I know how you feel", unless you have also lost a baby.

DON'T give advice about what they "should" do.