Sands Antigua & Barbuda

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society

 

Registered Charity No. C51/08 

 

Helpline 722 0612 

 

Confidential Advice, Support and Information


P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612

For Grandparents

  • When a grandchild dies, you have to cope with a double load - your own grief for the baby, and the suffering of your own child. One grandmother wrote,
"For me the suffering was doubly dreadful, not only did I have to watch my loved grandson suffer and struggle for life, but I had to stand by and see my daughter completely heartbroken and be unable, perhaps for the first time since I gave birth to her, to help her in any way."
YOUR GRANDCHILD 
It is always sad when someone dies, but the death of a baby is especially tragic as it comes when a new life was expected. A grand-parent-to-be usually looks forward to a special relationship with the grandchild, but if the baby dies, that relationship is lost.
"She was my first grandchild" said one woman "and I'd longed to hold her before her parents even met." 
The death of your grandchild may revive memories of other losses in your life, but at the same time, your grief may be overlooked as the focus is mainly on the parents. 
One young mother said;
"When my child was stillborn, it was my mother's first grandchild.....I never realised that his death would affect her so much. She had looked forward to him, and now she misses him too. I was glad that she showed she cared and that she had loved him too."
It will take your child a long time to recover from the death of a baby - probably longer than you would expect. It will commonly take 1-2 years. As well as sorrow, the parents may feel anger and guilt, and the mother especially, may feel jealous of women with babies. Don't condemn these feelings - they are part of the grieving process.
The father will also grieve, but may hide his feelings more. 
Even when the first grief has passed, the sadness will last for years, with anniversaries and special occasions being especially hard.
Future pregnancies will be very anxious times, and a new baby may be greeted with mixed emotions. 
 

If you live near enough, go to the hospital and see the baby's parents. 
If it is possible for you to see the baby, do so. This will be helpful to you in mourning your grandchild, and also to your own child who will value shared memories.  
There may be ceremonies - baptism or blessing, funeral or memorial service - and it may be helpful to attend. 
If you feel you can, offer to help with practical details, which often fall to the father - go with him to register the birth and death, or stillbirth, help arrange the funeral. Don't be too hurt if the offer is rejected though. 

 
 AFTERWARDS
Continue to visit, phone or write and provide love and support.
It will help your child's grief, and your own, if you can talk about the baby by his or her name. 
In many cases, parents' have a photo of the baby - don't feel it is macabre if this is displayed. Perhaps in time you might like a copy. 
If you are emotionally close to your child, you can provide great comfort, but you can also cause great pain. Be careful about using "comforting" phrases which may come easily to your lips. Don't say "you can have another baby" or "at least you have other children" as this can be very hurtful. The baby that died was wanted for him or herself. Other children will not be a replacement.
Don't feel you have to be "strong". If you want to cry, do so. Children are usually helped by knowing that their parents' care. 
 

YOUR CHILD

As a parent , you feel pain when your child suffers. You may feel helpless because you cannot protect your child from sorrow. You may perhaps feel shut out if your child turns to someone else in grief.

You may experience many emotions which may seem "wrong", but which in fact, completely normal.

ANGER

Which may be directed at health professionals, the "other side" of the family, at God or even at the baby for causing such distress.

GUILT

May arise because you fear the baby may have inherited a problem from you. or because you had "bad thoughts" about the pregnancy or because you feel your reactions and feelings are inappropriate.

CONFLICT

Your religious beliefs, perhaps may differ from your child's, so you see these events in a different way. You may have been taught to "keep a stiff upper lip" or "not to talk about these things" and find it hard to accept or understand the way stillbirths and neonatal deaths are treated these days.

 

P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612