Sands Antigua & Barbuda

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society

 

Registered Charity No. C51/08 

 

Helpline 722 0612 

 

Confidential Advice, Support and Information


P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612

For Dads

Most people find it hard enough to respond to a woman who has lost her baby, let alone a man. Many people are afraid to see a man cry, and sadly many men  feel that they do not have "cultural  permission" to grieve.
When a baby dies, it often seems as if the attention (if any) is focused on the mother, and the father's loss can be very much overlooked. However, as a bereaved father, you have also suffered an intense loss by the death of your child. Even more unfortunately at the same time as this, you may be expected to hide your grief and be "the strong one" for your wife or partner.
The effects of childbearing losses on fathers have historically been largely ignored. It is often assumed that fathers do not bond with an unborn child and so are not as severely affected as mothers. However, recent research shows that many fathers respond to the loss of their baby with a deep and intense grief.
At the time of their loss many fathers feel helpless, frightened and angry at the  distress that their partner is experiencing and may feel the need to be strong and to focus on supporting her. In some cases men may even feel guilty and responsible for his partners unhappiness and physical distress.
"I felt suffocated with grief. I could not bear my pain - but more - I could not bear the pain my wife was suffering. I could not fix it."
It is therefore essential that men understand the very real need to emotionally support each other at such difficult times as it really can make a difference.
"My closest friend Michael gave me what I can only describe as the kind of hug only fathers can give their sons. I will be forever indebted to him. For that moment he could not change the pain but he carried some of it for just long enough when I could not".
Unfortunately in many cultures, gender conditioning affects mens' ability to acknowledge their own needs and their own willingness to offer or seek support from other men. Consequently, men tend to be more isolated both socially and psychological. Men do not often have experience of talking to others about their personal lives, feelings and thoughts and can therefore be at a greater risk than women of not healing fully from a loss.
Many men rely on their partners for support and do not have a network of people to whom they can express their feelings. They may have nowhere to turn for help and support. When their partner is grieving, they also tend to feel the full force of her sorrow and / or anger. Family and friends often focus on the mother's needs and may not consider, or know how to deal with the father's needs. All this may lead fathers to suppress or ignore their own feelings and needs, both at the time of the loss as well as later - and also to feel excluded.
" I wasn't able to give a name to my feelings let alone feel in a position to do so to anybody else, whatever their capacity. My doctor prescribed antidepressants which I didn't think helped.....I wasn't depressed. I was a bereaved father."
Back at work, the people you work with will probably not want to mention your baby's death and hope that you will carry on as normal. You may find this reassuring, or you may find it hurtful that they seem not to care. It may be a good idea to see if you can have a week or so off work as you  maay well not be in a fit enough state to carry out your duties like the father that admitted:
"I drive a lot with my work - and often cry whilst driving the car - it's rather frightening."
Another common problem is that the husband or boyfriend tries to be "strong" to support his partner or tries to be cheerful to help her, and she interprets this to mean that he doesn't care about the baby. If you don't normally talk about your feelings, perhaps it is difficult to start now, but you could say "I do mind about the baby dying - but I just can't talk about it right now."
Another problem can happen when the father feels that his wife or girlfriend is asking too much of him. You may feel that she is asking you to be strong, reassuring and patient when you need help and comfort yourself. One woman admitted looking back
"He had to constantly reassure me of his continuing love - and hold me - and fetch me out of the depths of despair when it seemed like I was drowning."
Grieving is very individual. Each parent is likely to have different perceptions of their loss and different ways of managing and expressing their feelings. A grieving mother and father often find that their needs and feelings do not coincide, and that it is hard to talk and to give each other support. Each may try to protect the other by keeping their more painful thoughts and feelings to themselves. As a result, each may feel increasingly lonely and isolated, and their relationship may become strained and difficult. As one father put it;
"I think if the truth be know, we've probably moved a bit further apart. I don't think we communicated our experience or how we were feeling particularly well. Maybe it's our inability to share how we feel, or maybe me just thinking I've shut that chapter's door. I want to get on with life."
It is also very common for sexual difficulties to follow the death of a baby. Many men feel like this father, that making love "was the most meaningful way I could tell my wife how much I loved her", while their partner does not feel ready. It may be the other way around and that the man doesn't want to make love and his partner does. At a time of sorrow anyone may feel that it is "not right" to be feeling pleasure. After any birth there may be nervousness about making love because of soreness and stitches. When a baby has died at birth either partner may have an extra mix of feelings - like feeling that the woman's body still "belongs" to the baby, or that the act of intercourse was the start of the tragedy. If you do seem to be having sexual problems, try talking to each other about your feelings  - the difficulties may be coming from normal grieving.
It has also been found however, that when couples do open up to each other about their feelings and experiences, they become closer to each other and develop a much stronger bond.
"The first few months were very hard. We seemed very separate at times and I wondered if we would ever get through this - but looking back on it now - I think it has made us stronger as a couple." 
For most men however, the key to a healthy grieving process is simple; it is important that they are recognised and acknowledged -  by their partners, by other family members and by hospital staff - as parents who are grieving the loss of their baby and not simply as comforters and supporters. It is important for them to be able to protect their partner and also to be allowed to grieve in their own way and in their own time, without having to comply with other people's expectations of them. 
When the father is present, he should be asked how he is and listened to in his own right. He should be actively included when information is given to the mother, and should be offered sensitive support and care as a bereaved parent as a matter of course. 
 
 

When your baby has died or is alive but very sick, you may be the one who is expected to pass on the news to family and friends. If a close friend or relative is willing to help with this, it may make things a little easier for you.
One father said " For me, one of the loneliest times was that first evening at home contacting relatives and friends to break the news - I was grief stricken, angry and desperate for someone to pay"

 
The effects of childbearing losses on fathers are enormous and far reaching - and more often than not go unrecognised "After our baby was stillborn, friends and family would take me aside and ask me how my wife was - never thinking to ask how I was".
Some people may not think that you have also "lost a baby", others might be shy about asking a man about his feelings. You can always say "We're both very upset" if such a situation arises.

P.O. Box 1874
Woods Centre
St. Johns
ph: Helpline 722 0612